Degrassi: Not Cancelled (A Parody of Next Class)
by antinomian
Summary: It's STILL ON TV. What more could they possibly do with it? Find out here! Since episodes will be coming out at different times for everybody depending on the country you live in, I'm going to name each chapter after an episode so that no one accidentally sees a spoiler for something that hasn't aired for them yet.
1. Booty Call

"You know how Drake said 'start up from the bottom; now we're here?'" Maya asked while washing her face in slow-motion.

"Wait, who's Drake?" Tristan asked. "Is he from some band I don't know about?"

Maya wiped her face with a dry washcloth. "Isn't he from one of the early seasons of _West Drive_?"

"No," Tristan said. "I have the names of every cast member who ever existed on that show starting in the 80s right up here," he said, tapping his head, "and I'd know if there was ever a Drake on it."

This puzzled Maya. "I think he went by Aubrey while he was on West Drive though, right? Or was it Jimmy?"

"He was never _on_ West Drive," Tristan insisted. "Come on, who's the expert on that show? You, or me?"

"You," Maya conceded. "So who the hell is Drake, then?"

Tristan shrugged. "It's one of those great mysteries like whether or not Miles is really bisexual or just got written that way to keep fans from thinking the show was being cis-het-washed after Adam was killed."

"Oh," Maya said. "But Drake has to be from somewhere. I mean, this is gonna bug me forever."

"Is he a Degrassi alum who became a big celebrity?" Tristan asked.

"No, because he always talks about how he used to be on a teen drama show," Maya explained. "The only Degrassi people who have been on TV in the last few years are that Manny Santos girl who was on _West Drive_ for five minutes and Holly J who was interviewed on TV about Mia, and probably Mia whose modeling was broadcasted a little bit. Oh, and Zoë."

"That reminds me," Tristan said. "I'm gonna run for class president and ask Zoë to be my campaign manager. I'm gonna be the first gay president!"

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Marco was class president years ago, and Alex was his vice. I'm pretty sure they were _both_ gay," Maya reminded him. "I uh…heard that from Katie who heard it from Clare who heard it from Darcy who heard it from Manny. That's how I know TNG trivia."

"What's TNG?" Tristan asked.

"I have no idea," Maya admitted.

When everyone arrived at school, Zig rushed to Maya's side. "Maya, I am so, so sorry I was flirting with Gloria all summer. I think she might've been a Mary Sue. Think about it, Maya. No guy can resist a Mary Sue. Even Edward Cullen has dated a few of them in his time!"

"And why should I believe she was a Mary Sue and that you weren't just flirting with other girls to be a jerk?" Maya asked.

"Because!" Zig exclaimed. "Think about it! The girl was so hot that every guy, including the ones with established girlfriends, went crazy over her. She was ten times better at everything than all the main characters, like better at video blogging than Tristan, better at babysitting than you, yadda yadda, the list goes on. But then she had some dark secret that 'humanized' her somewhat. That's _the definition_ of a Mary Sue."

Maya realized her boyfriend was right. "Oh Zig! I forgive you!"

The two started kissing in an empty classroom just as Frankie walked in with a bunch of freshman, the only important one being Vijay. "I love high school!" he called out.

Maya and Zig were embarrassed.

"Did Pill leave?" Zig asked.

"Why do you ask that?" Maya responded.

"Because if Pill were here, she would've watched that entire makeout session on one of her security cameras and then raced down here to punish us," Zig said.

The truth was that Simpson had rushed down to Haiti to build houses over the summer. In his foolish optimism, he believed that by following Darcy's humanitarian footsteps, he could finally escape the clutches of _Degrassi_ and get to be on The CW. Much to his dismay, Degrassi helicopters showed up to drag him back on.

"I don't get it!" he had cried out in horror. "You black-hole dozens of teenagers each year. Why can't I leave?"

"You're the one remaining relic that makes this still Degrassi," one of the kidnappers said.

Long story short, Principal Simpson was back at the school, getting ready to announce the rules for the class elections.

"Why are the elections happening at the beginning of the school year?" Zoë asked Tristan. "Didn't Clare and Drew run at the _end_ of the year before they got elected?"

Tristan shrugged. "Yeah, but Holly J and Sav ran at the beginning of their year. You've gotta remember that there's literally no consistent standard for how things are run at Degrassi. Even the classes you need to take in order to graduate don't stay consistent from one minute to the next. It's why we have so many super seniors."

"That makes sense," Zoë said.

Principal Simpson showed up to explain the rules. "Okay, so Miles, Tristan, and Goldi, you all need to follow one simple rule. Don't go over the $100 campaign budget."

"Excuse me," Miles said. "But why is the campaign budget lower than the cost of a yearbook at this school?"

"An excellent question," Principal Simpson said, "but if I try to understand _one more_ incomprehensible thing about this god-forsaken school, I will literally go insane."

"While we're at it, isn't Zoë banned from extracurricular activities?" he asked. "I mean…this counts as one of those, right?"

Principal Simpson had nothing to say to that. "Uh…who cares? May the best candidate win!"

Meanwhile, Shay was in class with Tiny. "I like you," Tiny said. "You're smart and have all the important qualities I've ever hoped to find in a girl."

Lola and Frankie overheard this. "He likes you!" Frankie squealed.

"No he doesn't," Lola said. "He likes big butts, and he cannot lie."

"What are you talking about?" Shay asked.

"I just think his other brothers might not be able to deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in their face, they have a tendency to get sprung," Lola said. "That's all."

Shay started to worry. "Oh my God, the only solution is for me to literally stuff my pants full of toilet paper."

"I thought you were supposed to really, really smart," Frankie said. "You don't need to stuff your pants."

"Are you kidding? Since when did girls not need to do pointlessly unpleasant things to please guys?" Shay asked.

At lunch, Zig was all, "MAYA, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I am a lonely, forlorn, destitute, shadow of a man! Yes, I was patient over the entire year that you ignored my romantic advances for, but I simply _can't_ wait like four days until you have a night off this week to spend time with you."

Before Maya could respond, her phone rang. "Interested? Of course I'm interested."

"Interested in what?" Zig pouted.

"An audition," Maya said, "but in order to audition, I need a band. Grace, you wanna be in my band?"

"In your band?" Grace asked. "I don't play anything."

"Everyone at Degrassi can either play an instrument, sing, or dance," Maya corrected her. "So you have to be able to play something."

After school, Maya and Grace went to the music store. "Hi, we're trying to find out which instrument Grace can mysteriously already play," Maya said to the store owner. "Can you bring out literally everything until she shows Mozart-like precociousness in front of one of them?"

"Sure thing! I do this every year for kids from Degrassi. It'd be my pleasure," the owner said. "Finding out what instrument you magically play is a bit like finding the right wand in Harry Potter, after all." He went into the back and returned with a violin. "Go ahead. Wave it around. See if sparks come out!"

After failing to play the violin, the trombone, the drums, and the guitar, Grace sat down at a keyboard and instantly played Ene Kleine Nacht Music like she was some kind of acting professional who had been musically trained from a young age.

"That's the one!" the owner exclaimed. "Oh boy!"

Zig followed them into the store. "I'd like to try the guitar."

The store owner shook his head. "You can sing _and_ dance. You can't play the guitar too. It just doesn't happen like that."

"But I played in _Whisper Hug_!" Zig argued. "I do so play the guitar."

"Not anymore, you don't," the shop owner said. "Vince uh…stole your talent and left it on the kitchen table before he got arrested. Then, Tiny found it and sold it so he could bail his big brother out of jail and send him to some serious counseling. That explains everything!"

Later that afternoon, Tristan was handing out his campaign flyers. "I'm everyone's gay best friend!"

"Oh yeah? Well I'm everyone's bi uh…uh…" Miles fumbled. "Uh…guy with a pool! I'm a bi guy with a pool! Yep! That's my campaign slogan!"

"You're stealing my ideas!" Tristan shouted.

"Whatever, you coming to my 4,000,986th pool party?" Miles asked. "I promise I won't abandon anyone in a pool house or humiliate Hunter or get into a sword fight at this one! For an added bonus, I promise no one will flee the party on a private jet!"

The entire student body was convinced, except for Goldi who is the new Liberty and will probably be branded as a killjoy because she believes in hard work being rewarded instead of handsome rich dudes getting whatever they want all the time just because why not?

Before the pool party began, Shay was all, "I don't have a booty! This is going to ruin my life."

Frankie somehow photo shopped one straight from Shay's phone, which was impressive. Lola then put the photo straight onto Hastygram.

"Why did you put that picture on Hastygram?" Shay asked Lola when they both arrived at the pool party.

"Because Hastygram is like Instagram for people who make hasty decisions," Lola said. "That makes sense, right?"

Just then, Tiny showed up, and Shay quickly jumped into the pool to make sure he wouldn't find out that the clearly photo shopped picture that was uploaded onto Lola's Hastygram two hours ago was photo shopped.

"Hey, so uh…I like you," Tiny said. "I think you're great, and it's mostly because of your vast amount of intelligence."

"All he cares about is my butt!" Shay lamented.

"You only have one option," Lola said, "and that is stuffing your pants with toilet paper."

Meanwhile, Zoë literally bumped into Grace and was like, "Hey. We should talk about that kiss."

"We will," Grace said, "just as soon as Emison talks about their kiss back in season 5 of _Pretty Little Liars_ , Adrianna and Gia get back together on _90210_ , which isn't airing anymore, and Bubbline moves beyond subtext on _Adventure Time_."

"That doesn't sound soon," Zoë frowned.

"Well, see you in class!" Grace said.

After that, Tristan was all, "Miles, can I talk to you?"

Miles was like, "Sure, I mean, Triles fans have only been waiting for this moment for an entire _year_ …I mean…uh…six months."

They went into the pool house. "You stole my campaign slogan," Tristan said.

"You're not over me," Miles said.

"You're wrong," Tristan said.

And then they kissed.

"What the hell was that?" Tristan asked. "What happened to all the sexy consent and romantic tension we used to have?"

"Uh…idk?" Miles said.

"Whatever. It's you or that new niner boy for me, so I guess we'd better get back together!" Tristan said.

The next day, Tristan wore a shirt Miles once said was cute. It made him look silly because Miles was wearing a suit and Goldi was fairly dressed up as well, but Tristan was wearing a t-shirt. "Maybe I'll throw the election for a boy! That sounds like a wise, empowered decision, right?" Tristan asked.

"Is the theme of this episode people acting dumb for guys?" Zoë asked. "If it is, then at least that's kind of neat because now all the random, unrelated plot lines they show in a given episode are actually almost related."

"I just think Miles has changed and is no longer going to be a jerk this year," Tristan said.

"I doubt it. Pretty sure we're still supposed to sit through an entire arc about him dating some emotional train wreck who fakes suicide attempts."

Just then, Tristan noticed that Miles was flirting with some niner. "Oh screw him," Tristan said.

Later that afternoon were the debates. "The last four class presidents Degrassi has had all did one thing wrong. They used their student council presidency as a mere plot device to either hook up with or get revenge on their crushes. It's time for a change! I, Goldi Nahir, plan to actually do my job as your student council president. I will get things done. For example, imagine if instead of hooking up and doing strip teases, your president and vice president took the time to hire enough security personnel to keep _weapons_ out of your school dances. Imagine if instead of fighting with each other over who the baby daddy is, your president and vice president worked _with_ administration to actually hire teachers to sponsor each and every student org so that nothing like _Degrassi Nudes_ could ever happen again. Imagine if instead of leaving your lives and safety up to whatever gang feud and violent drama was happening this week, student council and the administration both put actual work into protecting you from being murdered? That way, instead of having to spend every other school year living in a police state, we could just _prevent_ all the ridiculous chaos at this school from happening in the first place."

The crowd booed. "NO ONE WANTS THAT! THIS IS DEGRASSI!" someone shouted from the audience.

"YOU CAN'T JUST WALK IN HERE AND TRY TO MAKE US NOT KILL EACH OTHER!" someone else shouted.

Tristan was up next. "As your class president, I will uh…be your gay best friend."

Then, Miles was like, "I will be the most honest, dependable guy you've ever met."

Tristan busted up laughing. "Uh…you're kind of a giant man whore who lies about everything."

"Nuh uh!" Miles said.

"Yes hah!" Tristan said.

"This is exactly what I was talking about," Goldi said. "Do you really want to spend one more year letting your student council president and vice president use the student council office as nothing more than a place to hook up?"

"YES!" triles-is-otp-4ever-2018 screamed. "I literally could not care LESS about making this school a safer place as long as there's hot boy-on-boy action going on in at least half of the episodes this season!"

"You _want_ them to hook up in the student council room?" Goldi asked incredulously.

"We already have a place to hook up!" Miles argued. "It's called the pool house."

"Um…no one wants to hook up at a crime scene," Tristan said.

"So-rry it's the only place I have! It's not my fault my dad smashed my entire room last year!" Miles whined. "For all anybody knows, you don't even _have_ a house, so nyeh!"

"Nyeh yourself!" Tristan argued back. "I do so have a house! You just haven't seen it yet!"

The next day, Jonah was wandering aimlessly around the school. "Cheeseless crust, where am I going to get some new friends? I mean…I can't hang out with the gang anymore because that would be _very_ ungodly, and Becky trucking graduated on me! It's very sad because I will never find another cute blonde girl with a jealous boyfriend to be in a band with."

Just then, Maya showed up. "Hi, Jonah. Do you want to be in a band with me?"

"It depends," Jonah said. "Do you have a jealous boyfriend who jumps to the conclusion that you and I are doing the sex just because I'm a boy and you're a girl and we're in a band together? I do my best rubber ducking work under those circumstances."

Zig walked by, his eyes wide with anger. "You'd better stay away from Maya, you flippy-haired loser!"

"He's even worse than Drew was! Count me in!" Jonah said to Maya.

Later, Maya was like "Zig, can you explain to me why you're constantly acting like a jealous tool all of a sudden?"

"I don't get it. Since when was music important to you?" Zig demanded.

"Since the first episode I was in?" Maya reminded him. "Is that really all you're upset about?"

"There's something else," Zig whined. "We had sex this one time, and now we don't have sex."

"Didn't we decide we weren't ready?" Maya asked.

"Maybe, but I mean…I could've _sworn_ that at some point you said you wanted to love me so hard like a 70s porno."

"I never said that," Maya said.

"So you don't want me? At all?" Zig asked.

"I don't actively _not_ want to have sex with you if that helps," Maya said.

"Thanks!" Zig said. "I feel all better now."

Shay walked into school with her pants stuffed full of toilet paper. "That looks silly," Frankie said.

"It does?" Shay asked. "Oh no!"

Class started. "Hey, Shay, could you walk all over the classroom getting each and every one of the pieces of equipment for the lab so I won't have to get up?" Tiny asked.

"Uh…sure," Shay said, trying to walk sideways and backwards so that Tiny wouldn't see that there was toilet paper in her pants.

Just then, Winston spilled a dangerous chemical on her pants. "I'm so sorry! It's just so hard not to bump into people when they're walking backwards!" he said.

"That's corrosive!" Tiny yelled. "I'm the only person in the class who knows this! Shay, quick, you gotta take off your pants."

She did, and then everyone saw a lot of Kleenex in her pants. "My life is over," she said, "but I will admit I'm grateful that this corrosive chemical that can eat through solid jeans and underwear can't eat through weak pieces of Kleenex."

"You have a bad cold or something? Because you can get these tiny little Kleenex packets for your pocket or purse so you won't have to stuff them all in your jeans," Tiny said.

"Yeah…I'll uh…remember that for next time," Shay said.

Then, the announcements came on. "Your new class president is Miles Hollingsworth III! Your vice president is Tristan Milligan. Prepare for some of the worst drama you've ever seen!"

Tristan and Zoë sat dejectedly on the bathroom floor. "I can't believe I lost to my ex," Tristan said. "He's such a tool."

Just then, Goldi showed up. "This is the girls' bathroom!"

"I'm everyone's gay best friend," Tristan argued. "That makes it okay for me to be in the girls' bathroom."

Goldi gave him a narrowed glare. "You mean to tell me that the school never lifted its ban on a trans man who was medically transitioning using the boys' bathroom, but guys can just walk right into the girls' bathroom as long as they're _gay_? Someone please explain to me how this makes sense."

"Nothing about Degrassi's policies stays consistent from one minute to the next," Tristan explained to her.

"It sure doesn't," Goldi agreed. "I mean, there was supposed to be a rule saying no one was allowed to spend more than $100 on campaigning, and then Miles threw some incredibly expensive party to buy people's vote."

Tristan realized that was true and went to tell Simpson about it. "Miles Hollingsworth III, please come to the office," Simpson said over the intercom.

Miles did that. "Sit down, Miles," Principal Simpson said. "It has come to my attention that you went over budget with your big campaign party. You were supposed to only spend $100 on campaigning, and you spent at least that much on food and drink alone."

"Wait, how do you know that?" Miles asked. "Did you dig my receipts out of the trash?"

"I just know," Simpson said.

"And what do you mean food and drink alone?" Miles asked. "What the hell else did I buy? I'm pretty sure my family already owns a sound system. Was Lola's inner-tube new?"

"I have no idea, but for the sake of the plot we're going to assume you selfishly spent a gazillion dollars and are now disqualified," Principal Simpson said.

"Dangit, this is all Tristan's fault!" Miles pouted.

So then Miles left the principal's office and found Tristan looking super guilty. "Sorry I did that," Tristan said. "I just worry that if Goldi doesn't get to be at least vice president, then she'll never get any plot lines and will get black holed before we ever learn a thing about her."

"This isn't a TV show!" Miles said. "She doesn't need plot lines."

"You're wrong, Miles," Tristan said.

"You know what?" Miles asked. "I was so super not over you before, but now I'm so super over you! For good. Forever. Totally. Mark my word, this show will never find a way to get us back together."

From the shadows, a demon watched everything that was happening. "For the greatest OTP to reunite, we must show Miles how much worse his other options truly are. It's time we summon Esme Song to fulfill her destiny."

 _HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST OF TRILES, OR ARE THEY GONNA BE LIKE ECLARE AND BE ON AND OFF UNTIL THEY'RE THIRTY AND ONE OF THEM TURNS INTO A HIPSTER?_

 _WILL GRACE EVER RETURN ZOË'S FEELINGS?_

 _WILL MAYA AND ZIG BREAK UP?_

 _HOW AND WHEN DID HUNTER MEET YAEL AND HOW ARE THEY ALREADY FRIENDS WHEN HUNTER IS AN ESTABLISHED LONER WHO TAKES FOREVER TO WARM UP TO PEOPLE?_

 _IS LOLA SECRETLY INTO TINY? IS THAT WHY SHE THINKS TINY HAS TO LIKE BUTTS THAT ARE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF HER OWN?_

 _FIND OUT WHENEVER THE SHOW BOTHERS TO TELL US THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS !_


	2. No Filter

The camera zoomed in so close to Miles's face that his head literally couldn't fit in the frame while he read his badly-written poem out loud.

"Roses are red," he said, automatically guaranteeing himself an F. "Violets are blue. This assignment sucks, and so does Tristan."

"And so does Tristan?" Tristan snarikly asked from the back row. "Ugh. At least make it 'and Tristan does too' so it can rhyme. Geez."

Miles Hollingsworth III rolled his eyes. "Well _so-rry_ I'm not a master poet!"

"You should be!" Tristan responded. "We're basically the gayEClare at this point, so at _least_ write a halfway decent play about me and force Esme, who we all know is gonna be Imogen 2.0, to play me or something! Sheesh."

Although Miles knew his ex was right, he also knew that he desperately lacked the creativity that defined Eli has a character and fueled his revenge plot after Clare broke up with him. Since he couldn't write a mean play about Tristan, he decided that name-calling and preschool-like behavior would be the next best thing.

"Oh yeah? Well…you're just a whiny little perfectionist!" Miles said, glaring judgmentally at his ex. "I bet you did a _nice job_ on your homework, didn't you? You make me sick."

Tristan nodded. "Um…duh. Of course I did my homework, cuz I'm not just a basic slacker like _some_ guy I know!"

Miles was doing his best to seethe with rage, but even rage looked kind of lazy on him. "How 'bout instead of being so perfect all the time, you try cutting class 75% of the time to smoke drugs in your family's magical swimming pool! That's what _cool_ guys do!"

"Oh, and I suppose cool guys cheat to win elections too, huh?" Tristan asked.

Unwilling to admit he had made a mistake, Miles just said, "Whatever. I'm gonna storm out of here in a huff and make myself sick spending time in an outdoor pool in the middle of September."

Seated one row ahead of Miles, a new girl named Esme smiled, realizing this was the man of her dreams. Her one and only soulmate.

"I so don't get it," Tristan said. "Weren't you past the whole blowing off school and acting like a self-absorbed piece of crap thing by the end of last semester?"

"Yes, but only because our relationship and ALL MY ANGST about it got eaten by the black hole during 14B," Miles explained. "Two days ago, the black hole got sick with bronchitis and coughed up our relationship plot line. Now all my angst is back with a vengeance! Does that explain it for you?"

Tristan sat up a bit straighter, impressed. "Yes, actually. It really does. My life makes sense now."

Zig opened the door to add his two cents. "And _I_ suddenly get why Maya stopped loving me for close to a year and then randomly remembered she had feelings for me one day and why Zoë and I don't even remember that we were dating last semester!"

"Alright everyone," a mysterious man said from the back of the room. "That's enough."

Everyone turned around, shocked at the sight of an actual teacher at the back of their classroom. He was a tall, very muscular black man who was not Armstrong. If their eyes did not deceive them, he was… _new_!

"All these new teachers are making my head spin," someone said. "I'm not used to having more than _one_ adult for every 600 kids at this school."

Miles had something more important on his mind. "Hey teach! Why are you wearing my shirt?"

The teacher sighed. "I was hoping to wait a few episodes to tell you this, but since I'm Ms. Dawes's replacement, I _also_ have to take over her job of cheering on this show's most popular OTP. I figured there was no better way to show my support than to buy a copy of a shirt you wore while the two of you were still dating."

This made Miles slightly uncomfortable. "You should get your own style, Mr.…" he paused. "What's your last name again?"

The teacher shrugged. "Y'know, I have no freaking idea!"

In keeping with this season's "technology is everywhere" theme, all the students whipped out the smart phones they were suddenly allowed to have in class again and Googled his name. It took about ten minutes before Esme was like, "it's Mr. Mitchel! I found out on Tumblr."

"Yep!" Mr. Mitchel said. "That sounds about right. In other news, Miles, I want you to redo your assignment."

"What? Why?" Miles actually looked surprised that his plagiarized mess of a poem wasn't good enough for the teacher.

"Well first of all because you pissed off every last Triles fan with that garbage, and I will not stand for it. Second of all, you put zero work into that worthless poem of yours."

Miles couldn't believe his ears. What kind of teacher made you do work in order to pass his class? "Whatever. I'm out of here."

With that, Miles stormed home and did what any kid would do while playing hookey, and that was go straight home and yell for his mom so that she'd immediately notice he wasn't at school. When he couldn't find her, he did the only reasonable thing to do, which was open her bedroom door. Inside, his mother was actually having sex with some guy. No, seriously. The cameras actually focused on it for a moment. It was really awkward.

"So what?" Winston asked in gym class the next day. "Degrassi has shown parents hooking up before. Remember when Emma saw Simpson kissing Peter's mom?"

Miles shook his head. "No, no, this was _completely_ different. They weren't kissing. She had her shirt off in a bed. There were even sex noises! THIS WAS ACTUAL SIMULATED TV SEX! This isn't supposed to happen on Degrassi! It's like after all those years of saying 'it goes there,' Degrassi is finally _going there_."

"Hey, calm down," Winston said. "We're on a new channel. It's gonna be an adjustment."

"Whatever. I was thinking I'd kill the shit out of the guy she was sleeping with. Maybe with a sword."

"Hold up. In the last chapter, you said no more sword fights," Winston reminded him.

"I _said_ no more sword fighting at _parties_! This won't happen at a party!" Miles said.

Someone managed to make a video of this using nothing but an iPhone. Somehow, the video came out with perfect image quality and managed to perfectly pick up Miles and Winston's conversation without getting any background noise from…I dunno… _kids playing basketball in the background_! It was strange, considering that even a $600 video camera probably would not have been capable of this.

Meanwhile, Zoë and Grace's teacher, Ms. Grell, was speaking to the media immersion class, which was being held in a room without computers for some reason. "Keeping with the tradition of only giving assignments that will seriously traumatize students or force them to otherwise confront their deep emotional pain, I'd like you all to partner up and make animations about what your lives will be like in fifteen years. I'm just going to assume there are no terminally ill students in this class for whom this assignment will be unbearably depressing because it's not like teachers get informed about that sort of thing at the beginning of the semester in case it ever becomes a problem in class. You'll be using the animation skills you've been learning since yesterday to do this."

"Wait a second," Zoë said. "An animation this complicated, like with human characters in it, might be a challenge even for actual college-level art students doing their _final_ projects for first-year animation courses. Why are you making us do it?"

"Because at Degrassi, our English assignments are poorly-disguised therapy exercises, and everything else is graduate or doctorate level cancer research," the teacher explained.

While Grace was up at the front to pick up an assignment sheet, Tristan was like, "Zoë, there are people who have been waiting SIX MONTHS…I mean…uh…a week to see you and Grace talk about that kiss. When's it happening?"

"It's not," Zoë said, "and I'm fine with that. Besides. I'm not a lesbian, and I've liked boys in the past, so Gracevas is probably nothing more than a silly crack ship, right?"

Tristan frowned. "If only I could think of a word for people who like both guys and girls. If only that were an established thing that people could do. Sadly, it's not. You have to either be gay or straight."

"Wait, though," Zoë said. "Degrassi has an LGBT club, right. So…lesbian, gay…transgender, what does the 'b' stand for? Maybe…both…sexual?"

"Don't be silly. The 'b' stands for basically gay," Tristan said. "What else could it be?"

"You're right!" Zoë said. "I'm definitely a lesbian."

With that, Zoë's past relationships with Miles and Zig fell even deeper into the same black hole that housed Toby's relationship with Kendra, Emma's relationship with Chris, Drew's feelings for Jess in season ten, Connor'scrush on Clare that no one remembers, Hunter's budding relationship with Arlene, and probably many more Degrassi relationships that started to happen and then were never mentioned again.

"Can someone just say the word bisexual already?" triles-is-otp-4-ever asked. "It's getting offensive how this show keeps treating it like a dirty word."

Sadly, both the Degrassi writers and characters ignored the fan.

"But what about Grace? She's probably into guys," Zoë said.

"She doesn't have those piercings and that hair to impress boys," Tristan said.

"Miles said that exact thing over the summer," Zoë said. "Did you two borrow Imogen and Jack's couple telepathy?"

"We're so not a couple," Tristan said. "We are the overest over couple that has ever been over."

"Sure," Zoë said.

A moment later, Frankie walked into school with cute white streaks in her hair. "So is she gay too?" Zoë asked Tristan. "You _did_ say that Grace couldn't possibly have put unnatural color in her hair to impress guys."

Tristan thought about this for a moment. "I have no idea."

Lola at least thought the new hairstyle was worrisome. "Oh no! You changed your hair! Dying your hair a different color than it used to be is always a cry for help!"

Shay and Frankie both looked at Lola with serious concern. "Oh my God," Shay said. "Lola, are you okay?"

"What do you mean?" Lola asked.

"You dye your hair all the time," Frankie reminded her. "You must be in _crisis_ or something!"

"No I don't. It's naturally pink. I'm actually an anime character," Lola said. "Seriously, I'm a magical girl with a kawaii little cat, and if I twirl my lipstick around, I undergo a transformation sequence. It's pretty cool."

"Then why was your hair purple or blue or something last year?" Shay asked.

Lola took a moment to think about that. "Uh…I fell in a bucket of staining blue paint last year. I seriously never dye my hair."

Frankie sighed. "Whatever. So…why are you worried that I got some white streaks?"

"Because," Lola said. "You've been morbidly depressed since you broke up with Winston, and I will _not_ let anything happen to you! We should go out tonight to get your mind off the breakup."

"Thanks, but I'm already planning to cry into my pillow," Frankie said. "I don't have time to go out."

Sadly, that's actually what happens when you're depressed sometimes.

When lunch rolled around, Zoë and Grace were hanging out while Zig and Maya enjoyed their five minutes of romantic peace. They did this mostly by feeding each other pizza in the background.

"Since when did our caf get delivered pizza?" Grace asked.

"Since they stopped needing lunch to be messy and complicated just to humiliate me at my community service job last semester," Zoë said.

"Oh, I see," Grace responded. Just then, Grace ran off.

"Was it something I said?" Zoë asked Zig and Maya.

Neither of them knew, so Zoë texted Grace ten billion times. "Oh God," she said to Zig and Maya. "You don't think she fell in the black hole, do you?"

"There's one way to find out," Zig said. "Look up her house. See if it actually exists. That way you'll know for sure if the writers are serious about her as a character."

"That won't work anymore," Maya argued. "Jack got a house _and_ a mom, and where is she this year?"

"No idea," Zoë admitted grimly. "I'd better go look for her anyway."

Zoë showed up at Grace's house unannounced to try to solve their problems. It's a tradition for bi girls the show to do that to their crushes. Paige did it with Alex, and Imogen did it with Jack.

When Zoë arrived, Grace's mother answered the door.

"Are you her mom?" Zoë asked.

"Yes I am," the woman with black flat-ironed hair said.

"Okay, cool. I'm glad because Degrassi rarely ever black-holes anyone after casting them a mom."

"Grace isn't black-holed, but she also definitely isn't here," Mrs. Cardinal said.

Unfortunately, Grace was visibly in the house, looking out from the curtains. Zoë was very confused.

The next day, the two of them were in the bathroom, and Zoë was like "Did our summer together mean nothing to you? Did you flip a switch and erase me from your memory? Did you ever like me at all?"

"Don't be an idiot," Grace said, before coughing up blood.

"Oh my God," Zoë said. "You have a legitimate reason to have been avoiding me all this time, and it actually isn't some mismatched sexual orientation business."

Grace nodded. "Can you take me home?"

Zoë did that, and Grace got in bed with her inhaler.

"What terrible illness is Degrassi making poor Grace suffer to educate tweens about?" Zoë asked.

"Cystic fibrosis," Grace's mother explained. "It's a disease where the lungs fill with bloody mucous that restricts the airway."

There's no good way to parody something like that. "Doesn't that kill you eventually?" Zoë asked.

"Uh…" Grace's mom paused. "There are…tons of new advancements coming out all the time, and many people make it into their forties, and let's stay positive, okay?"

This wasn't reassuring for Zoë. She went home to find a cure for cystic fibrosis using nothing but WebMD and some New Age healing sites. The next day, she asked Grace to meet her on the roof.

"Um…why is there still roof access?" Grace asked. "Haven't at least two people tried to jump off this thing already?"

"It's a good place for them to shoot really dramatic scenes," Zoë said. "Grace, I want you to know that I totally get cystic fibrosis. I looked it up online, and I found out that there's this experimental drug from Zimbabwe and hot yoga and meditation and guardian angel miracles and green smoothies, so you're gonna be fine."

"Zoë, no one's more invested in keeping me alive than _I_ am. Don't you think if there was actually a miracle cure out there, I'd know about it by now?" Grace asked.

"But what if the only reason you're sick is because you've _internalized_ negative messages about cystic fibrosis being a terrible disease?" Zoë asked.

"Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?" Grace asked.

"I saw someone saying it on the internet, so it must be smart," Zoë reasoned.

"Just stop!" Grace said. "There's a real possibility that I'm going to die before I hit forty, and I need friends who can actually love me anyway instead of people who voluntarily throw themselves into the black hole because they can't handle it."

Zoë thought about that for a moment. "But in Degrassi years, forty is basically seventy-five, right? Just think how long the average Degrassi character stays in high school. You've got at least five more years of this alone! Plus, with the hiatuses we've been having lately, you might not turn 40 until 2100!"

This was the last straw for Grace. "Shut up!" she shouted, before storming off.

Meanwhile, Frankie was online talking to someone whose profile picture was a pair of shoes, explaining to him that no one understood her.

"I totally get that," he said. "I hope you feel better."

"If only my friends were as sensitive as compassionate as you are!"

"Psych," he wrote. "I am your friends!"

"Damn it; that means no one understands me!" Frankie lamented. She then walked into an empty classroom to cry into a cup of coffee. Before she could get any useful crying done, Jonah showed up.

"Uh…I'm using this classroom to practice my guitar," he said, "which is a lot more important than your mental breakdown, so beat it."

This was seriously the first interaction between Jonah and Frankie, who the show has hinted at eventually making a couple. "So romantic," Frankie said. "But aren't you supposed to be a Christian? Because I thought Christians were supposed to put others first and spread love and compassion."

Jonah considered this for a moment. "My religion hasn't been mentioned since 14B. For all we know, it's like Hazel's Islamic belief system. Gone after one episode!"

"Hazel was Islamic?" Frankie asked incredulously. "First I heard of it."

He shook his head. "You suck. You're some rich bitch with a perfect family."

Frankie stood up to face him. "Um…excuse me, but I actually got taken advantage of by some sociopathic fake kidnapper over the summer because I'm rich. As for my family, my dad hit my brother and cheated on my mom, my mom texted nudes to your ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, and my other brother has some Kylo Ren type anger problem. Don't say we're perfect."

"Well excuse me, princess," Jonah said. "But I'll have you know that I may not even _have_ a family! I could be squatting like Zig used to for all I know. I have no family, no friends, hell…even my plant got black-holed, so don't you whine to me about your horrible life."

Frankie sighed. "O-kay, I'm gonna go talk to my friends now."

Then, Frankie's friends were like, "Sorry we cat fished you."

"Yeah, we love you," Lola said. "But your hair is the worst hair Degrassi has ever seen."

"It's not worse than Emma's perm at her mom's wedding," Frankie said.

"Yeah, but it's clearly just clip-in streaks and not actual dye," Lola said. "So just take them out already because I said so."

"Good point," Frankie said.

Later that day, Miles was called to the principal's office where Mr. Simpson played the video of Miles threatening to kill his mother's new guy with a sword.

"Who were you threatening in this video? Tristan?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"Nope. There is no way I'm whipping out my sword and giving it to Tristan," Miles explained.

"Then who are you uh…planning on…getting out your…god dammit Miles. Who were you threatening?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"The man-skank my mom was banging earlier," Miles said.

"That man-skank was your father," Mrs. Hollingsworth said.

Miles started shaking. "Mom. You know being around him gives me panic attacks seeing as how he used to beat me for being bisexual and everything, right?"

"He can get through an entire dinner without breaking anything now!" Mrs. Hollingsworth said. "I can't say the same thing about Hunter at this point, but honestly. Why not come have a nice family dinner with all of us?"

Miles stormed back to English class, which was in session just because it needed to be in order to further the plot.

"The point of writing is to talk about how you feel," Mr. Mitchel said.

"No way," Miles said. "No one gives a fuck about how I feel. All the writers ever wanna do with me is throw me into these godawful awful love triangles, and all my parents want to do with me is force me to act like everything's fine when my dad hit me and my mom's some totally fucked up enabler."

"I just heard a best-selling short story," Mr. Mitchel said. "That was brilliant. Epic."

"No it wasn't. It was just me complaining about shit."

"I'm the new Dawes," Mr. Mitchel said. "Everything you just said was brilliant."

Esme smiled. "I couldn't agree more. I'm Esme. Allow me to be your Imogen."

"Good," Miles said. "I could use an Imogen. That way if Gracevas becomes the new Folly J with one of them being straight, you can go bisexual later and date whichever one's actually into girls."

 _ **WILL ESME AND MILES ACTUALLY BECOME A THING?**_

 _ **WILL ESME REALLY GO BISEXUAL AFTER SHE AND MILES INEVITABLY BREAK UP, LEADING TO TRILES 2.0?**_

 _ **IS GRACEVAS EVER GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN?**_

 _ **WILL MRS. HOLLINGSWORTH EVER START GIVING A FUCK THAT HER OWN SON IS BEING ABUSED?**_

 __The show may never answer these questions, but this parody will try.


End file.
